I miss you so much, mummy.

Yesterday was PSLE result release day.
The response from the public has been heartening with a strong message of how PSLE does not determine one's future neither is it a measure of a parent's love for the child.

The whole night i tossed and turned in bed.
I crossed my fingers as i prayed whenever the thought of doing badly flashed across my mind, praying to God to please let me enter the express stream.
That was 15 years ago.
I doubt the anxiety of wanting to do well would have changed much, regardless of whatever we may try to convey to today's kids because the truth is that Singapore is a pragmatic society and they know it.
Still, it's heartening to see the steps towards a change in attitude towards PSLE.

However, while we cannot take away the anxiety that comes with a major exam, we can and must reflect upon how we respond to a child's achievement, or the lack of.
PSLE left me with a sting.
"I'm very surprised, I thought you would go to the normal stream."
She did not tell me to my face that i'm stupid. But it hurt as much. I already knew my mum looked down on my academic ability, but how she responded served me a verdict of who she thinks i am, what i could achieve.
I live with this self-doubt, this anxiety over my said limited ability.
Slow, i am. But at 27, I think i have proven her wrong. I hope i have.

I end this post with a reminder which I keep close to my heart,
"How we speak to our children becomes their inner voice"

*ps. screwed up my earlier 2 papers. Wish me luck for the last one, so that i dont ever have to study again!

One day at a time because it's overwhelming.
It helps.. calm my nerves, lie to my brain, regulate my heartbeat.
why not?

I cant help feeling a sense of disappointment, worthlessness
and it's sapping away that little motivation i had.
I tried telling myself that it is alright,
but the more i try to hold everything inside,
i dread and dread even more of waking up in the mornings.

and i never ever show it.
gawd, how do other people do it for more than 50 years?

on a brighter note,
we had a character module, and i'm glad we had it.
it helped answer some burning questions i've had, paving a clearer direction for the coming years.
the rest of the modules.. bleh
so sick of studying, when i study.
but the lecturers warn us otherwise,
"best time of our lives", oh is it?

ray is 10, how time flew by.
i get so emo thinking of the day that he would leave me.
i have a vet clinic story that i'd like to record down here, but am too lazy to type it out. so i guess this mention shall suffice.